Wednesday, April 16, 2014

On Committing


I don't know the original source for this picture, but the quote is from Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll and it fits me to a T. Another quote that has stuck with me is from Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar:

"I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet."
There are so many figs in life, so many endless choices that are all possible but it is impossible to choose. Some people have their fig picked out and are focused on making their life into what they most desire, but I desire all the figs. I want to be able to get lost in fig dream after fig dream, all of them magical and full of adventure and wonderfully dangerously exciting and I have no one to think of but myself. I'm a dreamer, not a doer. I dream of doing but I haven't done anything yet. Nothing that requires a decision and a commitment.

I'm working on it. What makes me the happiest? What could I not do and consider my life not lived? How do I learn to make decisions based on what I want rather than what people important in my life would like me to do or not to do? Or maybe I know what would make me feel most alive but I am scared. I know that feeling alive does not necessarily mean being happy and peaceful. In fact, it's the opposite. Living is emotional and exciting. It's a little bit dangerous. It's experiencing the world around you. 

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